Impulse by Ellen Hopkins

Impulse by Ellen Hopkins

5 out of 5 Heartbreaking Stars

Act on your impulse,

Swallow the bottle,

Cut a little deeper,

Put the gun to your chest.

Wow, I don't even know where to start with this one. It's an emotional, intense, heartbreaking, depressing, scream-your-lungs-out-because-you-can't-handle-all-the-emotions type of book. Yet there are those small bits of courage, of hope, that make you think maybe things might, just might, be able to get better. Those are few and far between, as the three main characters of this novel face very real and difficult problems in their lives. This book is not a happy book. It does not pull back any punches. And it certainly is not a book to skim over the harsher parts of life. Conner, Tony and Vanessa have been dealt some of the worst hands life could give them, and it is after all three attempt suicide that they find themselves together at Aspen Springs, a mental facility. And it is at Aspen Springs that they try to overcome everything that has gone wrong in their lives.

Conner:

I’m afraid – a strange thing

to say, but true – that despite

whatever progress I’ve made,

when I get out of this place,

everything will be exactly

the same as before – even me.

I’ll still live in my parents’

shadow; I’ll still drive myself to

achieve impossible perfection.

And I’ll never let myself

believe that someone really loves me.

Conner lives his entire life striving to be the best at everything - academics, football, appearances - always to fall short of his parents expectations. Nothing is and ever will be good enough in their eyes; Conner will never be as perfect as his twin Cara, he can always achieve more, always do better. He is always a constant disappointment in their eyes. Obviously, the lack of love from his parents - love he has never experienced, even as a child - scars Conner in an internal way that is very hard to fix. It's this lack of love that drives Conner to be with Emily - his neighbor, and also his teacher. Emily doesn't want anyone to know about them being together, and eventually all the pressure from his parents, the fact that Emily is going to break things off between them, drives Conner over the edge. He tries to kill himself with a gun, and his failed attempt at suicide lands him in Aspen Springs. It is there that he meets Vanessa and Tony, and tries to change his life. 

Tony:

“Do you know how

              Many nights I lay in bed,

wondering what I’d

done to deserve your

silence? What had I said?

              What did I ever do, but love you?”

Tony's father abandoned him when he was just a child, leaving him with mother - a prostitute - who doesn't care about Tony at all. One night, one of her boyfriends rapes Tony, only 8 at the times, and his mother refuses to believe him. Tony's then put in Juvie for several years for 'attacking' one of his mother's boyfriends, and when he finally gets out, he ends up living on the streets, not wanting to be near his mother. Bumming change, selling his body to men, anything he has to in order to survive. Eventually, he swallows too many pills, but doesn't die, instead ending up in Aspen Springs. Tony is such an admirable character though; despite his horrible childhood, he still manages to make Conner and Vanessa smile, to make them feel better, even though he's still struggling. 

Vanessa:

And the thought of that

makes me want

to open a vein,

experience pain,

know I’m alive, despite

this living death.

Vanessa's father is a part of the army, never home expect for that rare occasion every several years, and this leaves Vanessa and her younger brother Bryan alone with their bipolar, schizophrenic, abusive mother. Vanessa also suffers from Bipolar Disorder, and one day she decides that everything - her mother, the beatings, the mood swings from manic white to deep blue, her life - is all just too much. So she lets her trusty blade do more than normal, cutting deeper and wider than she ever has before. Her brother and grandmother find her, bleeding out in the bathtub, and the paramedics, and her grandmother's nursing skills, keep her alive. After being sent to Aspen Springs, she is diagnosed with BPD, and is given proper medication to help curve the effects of her disease. Conner and Tony also help her. But it's ultimately up to her to fight her bipolar disorder, to continue getting the help she needs.


In Conclusion:

All three characters face real, terrible situations and lifestyles. They don't have dinner with the family, don't have people they feel the can trust, they feel that they don't have love, and they feel that life, for them, isn't worth living anyone. I'm going to be honest, this book is an emotional rollercoaster, and is one of the saddest novels I have ever read. Oh, Hopkins also writes in verse, but don't let that be a deciding factor in whether or not you read her novels - it would feel weird if they weren't written in verse. The poetic style adds even more uniqueness to Hopkin's novels, of course adding in the real-life situations her characters face. The one thing I don't understand is why Tony and Conner see Vanessa as this perfect angel who can make their lives so much better, but that's neither here nor there. Impulse is definitely not a book to be missed. It makes you think differently, view people in a different light. It makes you not want to judge, but instead to understand.

Imperfections create character.

If you've never read a novel by Ellen Hopkins, I strongly suggest you read Impulse. If you've ever been hesitant to read one of her books, I strongly suggest you read Impulse. If you've ever read one of her novels but not this one, I strongly suggest you read it. And even if you've read Impulse, I strongly suggest you pick it up and read it again. Because this masterpiece is not one to be missed or overlooked.